Recovering Perfectionist Under Construction
Hi, I’m Erica, and I am a recovering perfectionist! Can you relate? Since my earliest memories, I have been drawn to perfection. As a kid, I despised the idea of a toy box! All of those random toys just tossed in one big box in such a haphazard way! What a terrible idea! When my oldest was a toddler I started a system with shoebox-sized totes for each of his toys. I labeled them with clip art of the toy it contained; legos, potato head, etc. I was the living example of a place for everything and everything in its place. A clean house, a clean refrigerator, and clean sheets make me happy. I love clean lines and hate clutter. I didn’t realize how rigid and structured my life was until I started having kids. Nothing throws “the plan” for your life into a fiery tailspin faster than those tiny, sticky, boogery, clumsy, inquisitive, adorable, little humans you created. Your standards must be lowered whether you want them to be or not. Your very sanity depends on it. Hitting A Low Being A Perfectionist I hit a low one morning when my twins were about a year old and my oldest was four. The kitchen floor was so sticky that I put slippers on so that I wouldn’t have to suffer through the sensation of the unidentifiable goo that was holding my barefoot to the floor! My one-year-old son was crawling around eating goldfish crackers off the dining room floor from the day before. My blood pressure went up and I wanted to scoop him up and start sweeping and mopping the floor, but I was tired, and I knew it would be hard work that would be undone in an instant when the next full bowl of cereal went crashing to the floor. Instead, I let him do it. Not my best moment; I’m not bragging here, but I had this thought, “It won’t kill him! He’s not crying, and he’s actually cleaning up the floor, and I drank my coffee.” That day was the beginning of a revelation for me that is still growing. My desire for everything to be balanced, efficient, clean, and perfect was an impossible and unrealistic goal. I could not ever achieve what my mind craved. It left me feeling defeated, frustrated and irritated. It constantly distracted me from the good things that were happening on the sticky floors of my home. Why Am I Like This? After my oldest child was diagnosed with cancer, this truth hit me even harder. The to-do list, the freshly mowed grass, the flowers actually getting watered after they were planted, the checkbook balanced to the penny and the meal plan actually being executed didn’t matter anymore. Being a perfectionist didn’t matter anymore. People and time were what mattered. However, I swung too far the other way. I got into an “all or nothing” mode of thinking. I knew that I could not perform tasks to the level that I wanted to, so I was paralyzed into not starting things at all. That was hard on my mind as well. I still had perfectionist thoughts and desires, but now I was feeling guilty for them. I started to dislike myself and be upset by my own personality. Self-critical, another trait I have since learned belongs to a true perfectionist. I would think “Why am I like this?!” He Is A Perfector Of Your Faith God gently showed me one day that loving things that are perfect is not a bad thing. He is perfect in all His ways. He designed me (and you) with purpose and intention. My grace is sufficient for you; for My strength and power are made PERFECT in your weakness. – 2 Corinthians 12:9 My love for perfection was placed in me by God so that I would be drawn to Him; not a spotless, Pinterest worthy kitchen. In the past I would seek fulfillment in things like a clean car, and then it would rain, or the kids would spill a drink and that achievement was gone. I was seeking contentment in things that wouldn’t last, and was always left feeling empty. When I discovered God was THE ONLY PERFECT THING in my life, and directed my desire and disappointment toward Him, everything changed. I found true contentment in all of the messy, imperfect things around me. I still struggle. I’m not claiming that all is easy. I just have balance now, and when I feel myself being pulled toward my old tendencies, I now know how to redirect those toward God. Honestly, it’s Him I’m actually craving! It’s the peace, that only He can provide, that passes all understanding. He is the Rock, His work is PERFECT, for all His ways are law and justice. – Deuteronomy 32:4 I’m not advising you to let your children eat off the floor, but I am advising you to put your desires on the only PERFECT one, God himself. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. – Romans 12:2
When Life Doesn’t Go According To Plan
This past Sunday, I did what I always do. We finished our worship planning meeting at 8 am, and I headed to the prayer room to pray before services. Every week I do this, it’s part of the plan. Lilye, our Prayer Pastor, and our Prayer Team get together and pray over the day. Today was different. As I walked in, Lilye and her husband Sonny were on their knees praying to God. We had never been on knees praying before. Frankly, I needed to get on my knees and humble myself before the Lord because I had taken the first part of my day to tell God how stupid it was for Him to send snow on one of our biggest outreach days (the Easter Egg Hunt) of the year! ? I was making it all about my plans. Get On Your Knees When Your Plan Isn’t Working So I kneeled along with Lilye and Sonny and began to pray. One by one our Prayer Team came into the room and by the end of our time, every single one of them were on their knees. We were crying out to God and asking for His will to be done! I was so humbled and realized I was so wrong when I told God what I thought about how sending the snow was stupid. At that moment, I was so thankful for our leaders who led me to the right action. Despite the horrible weather outside, it was one of our best days as a church. People worshipped with passion, visitors came and were welcomed, friends encouraged and supported friends, an amazing message was delivered that would inspire many, and we had an incredible baptism. Have you ever thought things weren’t going to work out…and they did…according to God’s plan? Have you ever thought, “If God would just do things the way I have them planned out, this would work a lot better?”…but then realized that you’re not God and you need to stop acting that way. Can you relate? If the answer is yes, be reminded of the scripture below… “IF my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14)
Trust Your Gut
I should have trusted my gut and went with it. It was Friday afternoon in late October. I was in the middle of a difficult recovery from my second knee surgery. I could not drive, so my father-in-law was my chauffeur. We just got home from a long day of physical therapy and doctors appointments in a town forty minutes away from home. My pain meds were wearing off and I was struggling to get up my front steps on crutches. My three kids and mother-in-law met me at the door. The kids were excited and full of the kind of energy that 3 pm on a Friday brings. They were telling me stories and firing questions at me faster than I could process. When You Have To Decide My phone kept dinging, so I checked it to see that my oldest son, a 6th grader at the time, was being invited to a drive-in movie with his friend. The friend’s mom was texting me to get permission to take him. However, the movie they were going to see was a scary movie, that we typically would not allow our son to watch. My husband was at a Cubs game and I could not reach him to get a second opinion on this decision. My gut said NO! Making matters even more intense, the other mom texted me again saying, “What did you decide? No pressure, but we are in your driveway.” No pressure huh? This made my decision even harder. I tend to be very strict with the rules in our house and had only seconds to go over the pros and cons. I felt like caving into the pressure of not wanting to always be the “fun killer” so I told my son yes and sent him out the door. The Consequences When he returned late that night, everything fell apart! He was terrified by the movie he saw and he vomited from binging on soda and junk food. He slept in my bed and neither of us rested that night. The nightmares continued for months and he was even afraid during the day. Not only did I feel terrible because he was struggling with fear, I felt awful because I knew what was best for him, but I compromised my rules due to the circumstances of the moment. As we worked through the consequences of this bad decision, I was reminded of how God cares for us. So many times we think we know what we want in the moment. We pray for things that seem like they will bring us joy, but we, like my child, don’t realize the consequences of the answer that we want. I knew this movie was scary and that my son was prone to be easily influenced by scary things. I knew he shouldn’t watch it, but I let him anyway. God Always Knows God always knows what is best for us. He knows the long term impact of things in our lives. When He says NO, we need to trust that He knows what He is doing because He loves us and protects us from things we are not even aware of. I use this example frequently now with my pre-teen son. He wants to do things, go places, watch certain things, and many times the answer is No. When he’s tempted to give me an attitude and accuse me of being put on earth to ruin his fun, I remind him to trust me. I’m protecting him from dangers that he is too small to understand. The same is true for our Father in Heaven. Are you getting a “NO” from God? Or a “not now” I challenge you to lean into that No. Trust that God has a good plan for you and He is protecting you in every situation. ‘For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’. Jeremiah 29:11 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
You Will Do Even Greater Things
I’m a visual learner. Always have been. Draw something on a piece of paper and I’ll understand it much better than you telling me with words. So one of my mentors drew this picture on a piece of paper a few months ago. The first picture represents the church trying to get people to attend. This is great! I love this, but the second picture totally blew my mind. What if we looked at the church differently? What if we decided that instead of trying to get people to attend, we instead sent ourselves out to engage with our community? Releasing ordinary people into their communities to multiply the gospel wherever they go! I love this language! What if instead of people coming to hear 1 person speak, we had thousands of people going out and speaking to thousands of people in their sphere of influence? In John 14:12 Jesus was preparing his disciples for his death. In the first part of chapter 14, he says (my interpretation): Don’t worry. I’m going to die and be raised again. Then I’m going to heaven and will prepare a place for you and come back to take you there. In other words…your eternity is set. But until that occurs, here’s what I want you to do… Whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. – John 14:12 (NIV) This is mind-blowing. Jesus is saying…you will do even GREATER THINGS than me. This is the same guy who raised people from the dead, gave sight to the blind, made the lame walk again and fed thousands with just a few pieces of bread and a few fish. How is this possible? Because the goal for the disciples and the goal for us (as disciples) is to engage our world, our neighborhood, our friends, our neighbors with our love for Jesus. When His love breaks through, miracles occur. Marriages are healed, people find salvation and their eternity is changed, kids grow up to be leaders, adults serve others less fortunate, the world gets better day after day as more and more ordinary people are released to do even GREATER THINGS for Christ. Guess what…that means you have an opportunity today, right now..to make a difference for Christ. Take this day and be on the lookout for opportunities to represent Christ well. I guarantee you will have opportunity after opportunity. Step forward with courage and allow God to use you today!